This blog is the journey of my 50th year. It is also the record of my mental state without anti-depressants for the first time in over a decade. Finally and primarily, it is my pilgrimage in pursuit of God. I have been at this writing and pondering and following Oswald for almost six months now, and I'm afraid I still have lots of questions, including the most basic: Is God real? Is he personal and what do the ancient church fathers mean by a "personal God"? What do I mean? What does a relationship with him look like? Do I have it? What is realistic to expect? How often do I live my life and make my decisions out of fear? fear of hell, fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up? Do I ever make my decisions out of love for God, sheer devotion?
Perhaps that is all too much to expect from one blog, one year, one woman's mid-life ponderings.
Today Oswald depresses me. Well, I may have been depressed when I started reading, but his words brought no comfort. Today he seems to be writing about a state of perfection unachievable this side of heaven. No questions? No doubts? No misgivings? I have known a few people who have spoken with this kind of certainty, but their lives have not matched their claims. I have watched someone who professed this absolute peace turn first insecure, then sullen, then spiteful when confronted with a single problem relationship. So I am skeptical at best.
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me." It sounds marvelous, and I do desire an untroubled heart . . . but I am not there. I woke at 4:30 a.m. obsessing over a fairly innocuous mistake I made. I let my oldest son take the van when my 16-year-old had a driving test scheduled. I could not let it go. I could not go back to sleep. My heart was indeed troubled. My mistake had consequences. Consequences that, though I tried, I couldn't really fix. In the scheme of world affairs, one driver's test is certainly not a big deal, but it was a big deal to her and therefore to me . . . and I messed it up.
If I lose sleep over my innocent mistakes, you can imagine the state of my mind over my major screw-ups. No doubt, the trouble stems, as Oswald states, from my disposition, but I'm a little unclear on how to bring that disposition into submission.
I'm not sure I even understand all of Oswald's point today. What I think is that being one with the Father's mind is not achievable in this life on Earth. I will ask him nothing after I leave here because at that time (after life) I will then better understand what I cannot imagine now. Expecting me to ask nothing now is like asking a blind man to know the color of the sky. I think we should come to the peace of living with the mystery of what we can't understand. There is distance between us and God because he is the creator and we are the creation. I'm OK with that!
ReplyDeleteBarb it really sucks when we cause our children distress because we made a mistake, but I think when our kids know we love them it covers a lot of mistakes. I know your kids know they are loved. That is what they will remember when they are adults. YOUR LOVE!!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm just a visitor (though I intend to drop in from time to time now I've found you), so I don't have much to say. But I want to encourage you that all who seek will find, even if the way seems dark at times. And God's forgiveness, restoration and renewal are always available. We often judge using different criteria than God uses, and we think we aren't making progress sometimes when he knows we are.
I wish you all the best!
Hello, Barbara;
ReplyDeleteI love your honest transparency about your spiritual life.
Oswald Chambers models a high standard; one to which we should stretch and reach towards. Does it condemn us for not having already attained that level? It shouldn't. John Bunyan, in his spiritual autobiography, speaks of spending ten years in a depression so deep that he was barely functional. The only time he had relief was when he was standing in a pulpit preaching.
Regardless of our age or spiritual maturity, we have not yet arrived at the place of never making a mistake or of never having any doubts. We can only keep kocking, keep seeking, and keep obeying God as we learn to forgive ourselves and to grow in grace.
Be blessed,
Lynnda