The Staggering Question

Have I experienced the transforming power of Christ in my life?

It's probably a bizarre allusion, but as I contemplated today's Oswald, I was reminded of a scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." I'm not even a big Monty Python fan, but nonetheless . . . Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad and King Arthur must answer three questions correctly before they can cross the Bridge of Death and continue their pursuit of the Holy Grail. The first two questions are easy: What is your name? What is your quest? But the third one ranges from "What is your favorite color?" to "What is the capital of Assyria?" A wrong answer launches the seeker over the edge into the pit of despair. Sir Galahad is so distraught he changes his mind about his favorite color and is subsequently launched.

I feel a bit like Galahad about the answer to the question at the top of this blog. As a Christian, I know what the right answer is supposed to be. As a fairly solid Calvinist, I have long subscribed to the doctrine of "total depravity," the basic idea being, as I understand it, that man in his natural state is in rebellion against God.

While I normally hate what I see as overly simplistic metaphors, here's one I like: A bunch of people in random states of physical fitness and strength are going to try to jump from a pier along the California coastline to Catalina Island. Some of them are going to jump a little -- or even a lot -- farther than others. No one is going to get anywhere near the island. Catalina Island is God's standard of righteousness. All fall short. Way short. I get that.

Still, that doesn't really answer the question: Have I experienced the transforming power of Christ in my life? Oswald asks: "Is my experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never despair of anyone I see?" The implication is that when I have seen God transform me, I will know that transformation is possible for everyone, but have I truly seen God transform me?

I feel as though I have reached a blockade on my pilgrimage -- a question that demands to be answered. The wrong answer could send me veering off into the pit of despair, but I cannot parrot the right answer as though I am in Sunday school. The right answer must also be true.

Have I experienced the transforming power of Christ in my life? I grew up in a Christian home. I cannot remember a time when I was not either striving to be good or feeling guilty about being bad. I have not seen radical change in my life. I honestly feel as though I have struggled with the same sins for most of my life -- worry, depression, self-absorption, idolatry.

I heard a quote attributed to Saint Augustine: "I am capable of the worst sin I have seen my neighbor commit." I believe that. The thing is I believe it is true of me right now . . . and I am still unclear on the question at hand.

Have I experienced the transforming power of Christ in my life?