What Are You Haunted By?

"So we are to live and move and have our being in God, to look at everything in relation to God because the abiding consciousness of God pushes itself to the front all the time" -- Oswald.

I walked in the rain today and tried to meditate on this idea -- this marvelous, too-incredible, disturbing, extraordinary, beyond-natural idea. God is with me. All the time. Every moment. Walking in the rain. Sitting at the computer. Driving to work. Making dinner. Stewing in the tub. Crying under the covers.

God is with me. A supernatural, invisible Being. The Originator of word and thought and beauty. The Scientist who designed the laws of nature and ordered the universe so that a drop of water would cling to the tip of every pine needle, reflect the diffused light, and delight me on my walk. The ultimate Conversationalist, Poet and Storyteller. Loving Father. Adoring Bridegroom. Mind reader.

God is with me. Throughout time and beyond it, he has always been and always will be. He exists in another dimension unlimited by hours, beginnings and endings, and yet, he is here with me in this moment. In this moment.

God is with me. Fully present. Alongside. His brain isn't splintered and overburdened and only partially present like mine. He can be completely and wholly engaged with me and run the world all at the same time.

God is with me. Me. Barbara Comito. The real one. The one who will never ever have her act together. The one whose comforter is hopelessly stained. The one who has been pulling work clothes out of a pile for weeks, months maybe. The one with cellulite, stretch marks, gray re-growth and wrinkles. He is not deceived by my clever performances. He knows my thoughts, my insecurities, my un-coolness. He not only knows my sins but took them on himself and suffered their consequences. He is intimately acquainted with me. The real me.

God is with me.

Oswald wrote: "We rob ourselves of the marvelous revelation of this abiding companionship of God." But he didn't write how or why. I have a pretty good idea on the how -- busyness, valuing performance over relationship -- but I'm stumped on the why. Why do I rob myself of God's constant company when I cannot think of anything I desire more?

My assignment: memorize Psalm 25.