Apprehended by God

I read the verses around Oswald's chosen passage this morning, beginning in Philippians 3:1, but I got hung up on verse 10:

I want to know Christ. Check. And the power of his resurrection. Check. And the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings. Oh, uncheck. In fact, erase, put down the pencil and run full speed in the opposite direction. I know I should be able to affirm Paul's sentiment, but the words coming from me right now would be incredibly disingenuous. I do not want to share in his sufferings. I do not want to suffer at all.

I want to have fun and laugh and remember why life is good. Why is life -- why is today -- precious?

I lay in bed with my husband last night and discussed how life had become something other than what we thought it would be in our twenties. Less romantic. Less fun. Less sexually charged. More heavily packed with responsibility. Not at all like any engaging movie we had ever seen. Less witty. Less beautiful. Less filled with oh-so-glad-to-be-alive moments.

And that little whining tirade was minus any true suffering. No, I cannot say I relish the thought of sharing in Christ's sufferings. I am weak, and while I tell myself over and over that happiness is not the goal, my self isn't listening. When my feet hit the floor in the morning, bottom line, I want very much to be happy.