All this time -- years and years -- I have thought it was a small thing that I questioned God's love for me. More his problem than mine, as arrogant as that sounds. After all, I've been obedient. Isn't that the important point? Like the older brother, I've been slaving away, walking the straight and narrow. I've got a pretty good record on all the biggies -- lying, cheating, stealing, adultery, murder. I don't use drugs or drink to excess. I go to church regularly, try to use the best of my gifts in his service, speak the truth, put my children's needs before my own, vote pro-life, boycott Victoria's Secret. I've been here slogging it out day after day, a real trooper, but I have questioned whether God noticed or cared -- questioned his love for me.
Gradually, I am beginning to see that what I thought was a small thing is perhaps the only thing.
Here's how Oswald describes faith: "unutterable trust in God, trust that never dreams that he will not stand by us."
If I don't believe he loves me, how can I trust him? And if I don't trust him, how can I possibly have faith that he will stand by me? And if I don't have faith that he will stand by me, what good is the obedience?
Jesus loves me. I need to begin at the beginning. Because without that foundation, without the fundamental, unshakable knowledge that I am loved, I've got nothing. And my obedience is nothing but wasted time.
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