Chastening

"Sanctification is not my idea of what I want God to do for me; sanctification is God's idea of what He wants to do for me, and He has to get me into the attitude of mind and spirit where at any cost I will let Him sanctify me wholly" -- Oswald.

"We get into sulks with God and say, 'Oh well, I can't help it; I did pray and things did not turn out right, and I am going to give it all up'" -- Oswald.

I think I have been in one of those sulks: Well, no one can say I didn't give it a good shot. I went off anti-depressants. I prayed. I spent time seeking God's will for my life -- regular, planned, quality devotional time for close to eight months. I worked at being honest about my feelings, not pretending, being the real me . . . and still, I am no closer to sanctification. I am the same insecure, glass-half-full, needy, oft depressed woman I was when I began. I have the same job with the same problems -- only worse. I am no nearer to holiness or self-actualization or happiness. I am no nearer to God or to knowing Him.

I have seriously contemplated those three words -- I give up. But what then? Eat, drink and be merry? Go back on drugs, back to striving to be the perfect me? I cannot quite bring myself to give up this pilgrimage. I really believe the answer to the meaning of life lies along the path of Christianity, along the path of knowing the God of Scripture.

So, what is sanctification, God? What is your idea of what you want to do with me?