Must I Listen?

I am trying to reconcile fear and love in my mind.

Here is the message Moses conveys from God to the Israelites in the early part of Exodus 19:

"You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation."

Then, as God prepares to descend on Mount Sinai, he tells Moses to warn the people:

"Be careful that you do not go up the mountain or touch the foot of it. Whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death. He shall surely be stoned or shot with arrows; not a hand is to be laid on him. Whether man or animal, he shall not be permitted to live."

Next, the people witness God's descent:

"Mount Sinai was covered with smoke, because the Lord descended on it in fire. The smoke billowed up from it like smoke from a furnace, the whole mountain trembled violently, and the sound of the trumpet grew louder and louder."

Finally, in chapter 20, they speak the words Oswald uses in today's reading:

"When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance and said to Moses, 'Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.'"

God is awesome and powerful and, in many ways, scary. God loves us and calls us his treasured possession. How do I bring these two thoughts together in my mind in such a way that I can relate to him? I am reminded (as I often am) of Jill in C.S. Lewis' The Silver Chair. She is dying of thirst, but to get a drink from the stream, she must approach the fearsome lion. She wants some assurance that he won't eat her, but he tells her that he has swallowed girls, boys, entire cities. I am reminded also of Job who said, "Though he slay me, I will hope in him. Nevertheless, I will argue my ways before him."

I think the Israelites' reluctance to hear directly from God makes perfect sense. His effect on the mountain was like an earthquake and volcano combined. Moses had an unearthly glow after meeting with him. What does not make sense is that they could witness his power, hear of -- in fact experience -- his love and turn to a golden idol. And yet, I know I do this every day. I turn from the face of God -- both fearsome and full of love -- to seek approval and worth and comfort in idols of my own making. I never doubt his power. I have experienced his tender care. But I run in search of other streams to quench my thirst. There is no other stream.