I attend a church that celebrates Advent. We light a new candle on the wreath each Sunday, and the liturgy centers on preparing our hearts for Christ's coming. I work at a homeless shelter where much of the energy for the past several weeks has been focused on preparing for Christmas and creating a warm sense of community for men, women and children who are homeless and often without family connection. I started this blog shortly after the beginning of Advent and hoped that it would serve the purpose of preparing my heart. So why do I feel so lousy? so Grinch-like? so not-ready-for-Christmas? My son came home from college yesterday -- three days early -- and it was a wonderful surprise but, honestly, not enough to lift my spirit from the pit in which it languishes. Why? Why am I not loyal to Jesus -- happy in anticipation of his coming?
This morning my counselor showed me a rather poorly done video with a simple message. The clip had two parts. The video portion was identical in both parts -- a journey on a short path through the rain forest to the Oregon Coast -- but each portion was set to radically different audio. The first portion was set to cheerful music, and my mind flashed to happy memories of camping along the coast when my children were younger. The second portion was accompanied by an ominous tune, "shark music," my counselor called it, and it wrecked the mood.
Shark music is playing in my head all the time.
We don't have a Christmas tree yet. I haven't done my Christmas letter or sent out the Christmas cards. I'm not done shopping, but I've already spent way too much money. My house is a mess. We don't have any Christmas lights -- not even simple, tasteful ones. We don't eat dinner together as a family. My daughter's blood sugar was over 500 one morning this week. I let the free turkey I received spoil in the refrigerator. I probably shouldn't have said I would sponsor that family from the Mission because I cannot afford to buy them the kind of presents someone else could. The children's Christmas program for which I am responsible is not coming together. I will disappoint. I cannot love my children enough. I am not enough.
According to my counselor, it does not work to sit at the beach and pretend the shark music is not playing, and I know from experience that it does not work to play the idyllic version over and over in your head and berate yourself for not achieving it.
Enter Oswald. Loyalty to Jesus is not loyalty to an idyllic vision -- lights on the house, fire in the fireplace, presents under the tree, cocoa and marshmallows in mugs, homeless sheltered and tucked away out of sight. Jesus is not a means to our end. Loyalty to Jesus is not perfect performance. Loyalty to Jesus is believing that he created us and that he has ordered our circumstances.
I believe honesty is also loyalty to Jesus.
For now, I hear shark music, but I long for carols.
hmmm, i hear the shark music too, but know that its source is meant to wound and not heal me, i ask God to make me hear the truth.
ReplyDelete