If I understand I John 1 and Oswald correctly, there is great comfort here. An awareness of our sin, the very existence of a struggle within us, is evidence of the Holy Spirit's presence in our lives. Oswald wrote, "The evidence that I am delivered from sin is that I know the real nature of sin in me." If I was comfortable with my own righteousness, that would be a bad sign: "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us," I John 1:8.
Walking in the darkness means hiding our sin, looking for a way to cover it up, pretending we "have it all together." Walking in the light means exposing our sin, confessing it, and looking to Christ's blood to cleanse us from it. And I can almost begin to understand the use of the adjective "easy" in this context. Covering up requires tricks, mirrors, lies, quick moves and heavy make-up, whereas the unfolding of which Oswald writes in the last paragraph indicates the opposite. Rather than rush around cleaning my house, stuffing things in closets, I allow Jesus to move freely within my life, humbly acknowledging the mess.
Oswald's first line is difficult for me to decipher: "To mistake conscious freedom from sin for deliverance from sin by the Atonement is a great error." But from the next line, "No man knows what sin is until he is born again," and the rest of the entry, I believe he is saying that this side of heaven, our lives will not be free from sin. Nonetheless, we are delivered from its power. When we see it in ourselves and in the world, we hate it. Thus, the very nature of the inner struggle.
Sitting here, writing this, I feel a real measure of the peace I am seeking, and I am deeply grateful.
Barbara
Sitting here in my dining room right before going to bed, I, too, am deeply grateful and rejoice with you. May God continue to give you what you are seeking . . . more of Him in the coming year.
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