The Great Life

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful," John 14:27. Jesus speaks these words to his disciples with regard to his death and the coming of the Holy Spirit. What he describes does indeed sound like Oswald's title for today's reading, "the great life."

My experience of the Christian life, however, does not mirror Oswald's assertion that obedience equals simplicity, and my life is not characterized by the peace Jesus promises. My heart is almost always troubled and frequently fearful. At the same time, I would assert that obedience has been my primary goal. Where have I gone wrong? God, honestly, make it clear to me: where have I gone wrong?

Oswald writes, "As long as we try to serve two ends, ourselves and God, there is perplexity. The attitude must be one of complete reliance on God." I'm fairly certain that these lines point to the answer, but what does "complete reliance" look like? I have to get up in the morning, and shower, and parent, and work, and converse with people, and make decisions. I cannot wait for the Spirit to move me. Yesterday my daughter pointed out that since I've been doing this blog I've gotten kind of "lazy" about making dinner -- sushi, egg rolls and take out. She was right. I have. Life is such a terrible balancing act. What in the world does Oswald mean by "complete reliance"?

My friend Judy sent me a poem this morning by Mary Oliver. I'm not sure it has any relevance to today's post except that it awoke in me a sense of beauty and desire, a freedom and lack of striving, the simplicity of which Oswald speaks. The last two stanzas:

I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart,
pumping hard, I want

to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.

from "Starlings in Winter," by Mary Oliver