Obedience

For me, the yielding of which Oswald writes is both a once-for-all-time permanent decision and a daily practice. Perhaps that doesn't make sense, but I stand by it anyway.

"You have been set free from sin and have becomes slaves to righteousness" Romans 6:18. That happened through my vicarious death with Christ on the cross when I believed in his love for me, his payment for my sins.

"Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness," Romans 6: 19. I may no longer be a slave to sin, but I am still drawn to it. Not choosing lust and envy and self-love and gluttony is a breath-by-breath practice.

I don't like the term "slave." I'm not even wild about "servant." I was a terrible waitress, always thinking, I have a college education, and here I am listening to these people whine, kissing up to them so they will leave me a bigger tip, which sometimes worked and sometimes -- like the time I dropped the two daiquiris in the people's laps and cried because I was so embarrassed -- the kissing up wasn't necessary. They tipped me anyway. The thing is, I rarely had a good attitude about serving. I resented the patrons. I resented my position in relationship to them. I resented my bosses who seemed not to realize I was meant for greater things. All of which to say, I chafe at the call to servanthood, and yet, it is basic to the Christian faith. Christ modeled it, and then he commanded it.

It might seem like I am mixing apples and oranges -- serving people versus serving righteousness -- but I don't think so. I bristle, rebel actually, at the humbling act of subjecting my will/my mind/my ideas to another's -- even, as in this case, God's -- and when I do it, I tend to build up mountains of resentment.

"It is easy to sing, 'He will break every fetter' and at the same time be living a life of obvious slavery to yourself," Oswald wrote. Slavery to myself, to my own agenda, to my whiteness, as Oswald might say, all the while keeping track of my righteous acts.

I just told my husband that I'd painted myself into a pretty tight corner. I don't like servanthood, but I'm commanded to be a slave to righteousness and a servant to my brother. Obedience for obedience's sake leads to resentment and keeping score. So what's the answer? I think it goes back to that breath-by-breath practice -- breathing in the grace of God, breathing out confession of sin: (Breathe in.) God, you love me (breathe out) even though I am arrogant and stiff-necked. I forget that you are the creator of beauty and wisdom and all good things. I think I know better. I think if I lose control, my life will be messed up. Please forgive me. (Breathe in.) Thank you for loving me in spite of all this. I choose you, and in choosing you, I choose your ways. (Breathe out.) I love sin. I love me. I love being the center of things. (Breathe in.) Thank you for choosing me, for revealing yourself to me, for showing me who is the true center. I love you. Help me to love you more.