Easter Sunday. I went to two church services today. Throughout the first -- a sunrise service -- I was deeply troubled by the hardness of my heart. The pastor's words made sense to my head, but this Christ he preached -- the one who died and rose again that the chosen might have life eternal -- seemed distant, impersonal, again a historical figure about whom I could affirm the facts -- he was born of a virgin, lived, performed numerous miracles, died and rose again -- but with whom I seemed to have no personal connection. I felt completely isolated from the people around me who clapped and shouted, "Amen." I wondered if I could possibly have anything in common with them.
The second sermon was more personal for me. Pastor Don preached on the resurrection of Lazarus and how Christ brings us all back to life from spiritual and emotional death. But the moment of real connection for me was when we sang "Breathe" by Michael W. Smith. These words struck me as absolutely true: "And I'm, I'm lost without you. I'm desperate for you." Maybe that was what was missing from the first service for me -- an acknowledgment that we are all desperate for him.
I do not yet have what I seek, but I'm sure the search is vital. I am lost and lonely and desperate. I am oh so tired of trying to be good enough, of measuring my worth by the nods and affirmations, or conversely, the criticisms of other people. Life does not make sense without a personal God who guarantees my worth. I think this is my day, this is my moment. I think God is doing exactly as Oswald suggested: ". . . pointing out that I have not been interested in Himself but only in His blessings." I do love his blessings. I love feeling good. I love health and laughter and happy children. I love gardens and color and foot rubs and coffee with a friend. I love book group and Christmas morning . . . but loving these things is not the same as loving him, and in and of themselves, they are not enough.
I have a wonderful life -- full of his blessings -- and still, I am desperate for him.
I'm not sure if this is what you meant but it sounded to me like you are saying that being interested in God's blessings distracts us from being interested in God himself and I dont think that is true for me. I have been working on recognizing God's influence in my life and the part he plays in my day to day activities. What I have begun to realize is that everything leads back to God and when something goes right and I get a good grade on a tough paper or I really connect with a Shot or a Discus I feel God's blessing and that leads me to be interested in God himself. Now I just need to work on being interested in God even when I am not feeling blessed.
ReplyDeleteGood point, Carter. His blessings can lead us to him. The trick, if you can call it that, is not to be satisfied with the blessings alone.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me sad that I missed the Easter service. It sounds really meaningful and I'm sorry I wasn't there.
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